To all passengers: If you will kindly observe the following rules, it will be a lot easier and more comfortable for the crew – after all, whose airplane is this anyway?
1. Keep quiet, and keep your feet off the seats.
2. Don't get snotty with the crew – just remember that the pilot can, if he chooses to, land so hard it'll shake your fillings loose, and the steward can spit in your food.
3. If a fellow passenger gets anxious, just knock him on the head with an empty Scotch bottle.
4. Eyes forward at all times.
5. Don't ask the crew embarrassing questions like: Where are we? What time will we land? How fast are we going? Who made that landing? How high up are we? The crew don't know, nor do they care.
6. If you don't like the food, who cares? The crew will eat it because it's free.
7. Be thankful if you arrive anywhere.
8. Always let the crew off the plane first, after all, it might be on fire.
9. Don't bother the stewardesses – they're not your mother or your maid.
10. Stewards can, and will, use an electric cattle prod if your feet are found up on the seats.
11. If you have the nerve to throw up while on the plane, you'll clean up your own mess.
12. The first kid that starts crying will go outside to play.
13. The crew has no control over the temperature. If you get too hot, remove some clothes. If you get too cold, put someone else's clothes on. Just don't bother the crew.
14. If your flight is over a body of water, do not ask the crew to name it, water is water to them. And each crew member has his own personal life raft.
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